Recovering from recovery.
The irony is not lost on me.
Who would have thought that being so self-sufficient, capable, and independent would make for such a challenging adulthood?
Recovering from recovery is how it feels for me and most of my clients right now.
If you have experienced a challenging childhood, you might be able to relate. You know that feeling of ‘I can do this on my own’, or that everyone knows you’ll be there for them, you can fix it. Independence and dependable in a tight little knotted ball that is you.
You look back and think that there were so many times it could have screwed you up, where you could have went another path. You’ve nailed it, you’ve made it to adulthood relatively unscathed. Independent, fearless, the go-to girl, somewhat normal.
You made it,
Or did you?
Well, yeah, you have made it. But I’d drop the normal and unscathed bit. What is normal anyway? Hiding, shame, guilt, perfectionism, people-pleasing…no thanks.
The recovery or change from childhood has taken everything you’ve got. I get it, I’ve been there. My clients have been there. Perhaps, it is the desire to be a different adult to the examples you seen growing up. Maybe, it is the challenge of ensuring you don’t succumb to the same problems you heard and seen as a child. Could it even be that you are trying to be a different type of parent that you received? And you’ve probably succeeded to some extent in all these endeavours. But to what sacrifice?
If you’re anything like me, and hundreds of other people who have contributed to research on this very topic, then your self-sufficiency is masking your inability to ask for or accept help. Your independence is the reason you struggle to relate to your partner, and also the reason they can’t meet your expectations. Your stability and hold it all together attitude are wonderful but also the reason you can’t let your hair down, rest, dance or just be playful. Your lack of trust is a childhood wound that literally screws with every part of your life. Jeepers, the trust thing is a big one, isn’t it?
So are you ready to recover from recovering?
If you are tired, drained and just wanting someone to come in and save you (but really, you’d decline it anyway), I see you, I hear you.
It is tough loosening the reins. But I know it’s possible. I’m not talking about my story because I’m still learning too but I’ve seen these changes first hand. I’ve been very fortunate to work with incredible people from all walks of life and supported them through the messiness that is learning to let go. It’s nearly like letting the pendulum come to rest and being ok with it.
Small wins is the most important element of this part of change.
If your independence is leaving you isolated, misunderstood and forgotten…
Take two small steps:
Journal. Always a go-to to process things personally. These are just a couple of prompts to start the ideas in your head. Write as much or as little as you want.
How much is the fear of losing control costing you in your relationships?
How does the future version of you show up with a little less independence and more interdependence?
2. Reach out to one person. Just one for now (remember small wins), and ask if you could have some of their time to just talk about things. And before that negative narrative enters your head about being judged and how you’ve nothing to talk about and how this is all a waste of time anyway, remember how future you would look accepting support, friendship and company of another. Focus on Her!
If your lack of trust in women, men and the world in general, is leaving you resentful, burnt out and a little bit bitchy…
Then just do one thing, reflect on how trustworthy you are. How many times have you let other people down? How many times have you changed plans on your children? How many times have you missed a deadline at work, bitched about someone or let a friend down when she needed you?
A little bit painful when we direct the attention back on our own imperfections, isn’t it?
But it’s ok to judge others for their flaws and apply it to the population at large? Nope!
We direct our attention outwards because it’s easier, it takes the blame of us and places fault squarely at the hands of another. But life is not that simple, in fact, it’s incredibly complex.
I know how difficult trust is. It’s why women believe they’ll be cheated on. It’s why some don’t consider themselves as having any close friends. It’s why our children de-rail completely when there is a slight change to plans. It’s why we don’t reach out to others for help.
“It probably stems from childhood, was reinforced in teenage years and is completely screwed up in adulthood”
Take me for example, trust was very much beginning to diminish at the age of 4. Imagine, a 4 year old losing faith and trust in the world, seeing violence and threatened with being left alone if they didn’t beg for forgiveness. Horrendous. Independence started to grow, as trust evaporated, a belief that I could only depend on myself started to take hold…at 4.
Throughout the years, experiences continued on this same vein. Then bam, high school. Navigating new territory, worlds and relationships, you turn to friends to help you through difficult situations, things you don’t fully understand. Then on the grapevine, whispers of your struggles circle back to you. Trust has pretty much all but left the air, you feel suffocated in your silence as you no longer have trust at home or with friends. But you keep smiling, never the one to be seen as a victim. Independence and a ‘get on with it’ attitude buffer you against the loneliness despite still being surrounded by good people. You don’t trust, remember, so even the good ones can’t get in. (You could not pay me enough to be a teenager in today’s world)
Now you’re out of high school, your social net has widened but the gaps are all the bigger. You’ve no ability to discern the good from bad apples and so everything falls through the net. You no longer need to keep the peace because you’re a big girl now who earns her own dough (as if money is the end to all evils - it isn’t, it helps, but it doesn’t cure). You see friends still partying together and growing up together and wondered where it went wrong for you. Why do you not laugh like they laugh? Look so at ease, like they do? And why have you no-one to confide in?
You decide you want better, you’ll figure it out as you go. You start to pray for the life you want. You start to address the parts of your own identity that feel icky and lousy. You start to challenge your own childhood. And if you’re like me and countless others, the lack of support, community and trust causes this path to be indescribably isolating and shite!
Even when everything looks good, an amazing partner (that you trust), better relationships at home, working and studying hard and dreaming of holidays, you wonder why it feels inside, like your world is crumbling.
Then a little earth angel graces your path, as I was fortunate enough to pay attention to and come to trust, depend on and despite not talking all the time, am so happy to call her a friend.
You realise, you’ve only scratched the surface. Still a judgey little shit who scoffed at self-help, you decide to pay attention to the words of others, to the hands of others that appear to be trying to help you despite not knowing your story.
They seem to care, they do care. And so you begin to see their best intentions, and you trust them. And they help you. And 11 years later, their words, books, time, continues to help you. (Ok, this got a little personal but what is a blog for if not to mindfully type what ever comes up).
We are not made to life a life in isolation. We are communal beings, better together, in community, in friendship and in growth. You see, growth is not about never being let down, it’s about accepting we are all flawed but that our intention is not to hurt, it is just that we get misguided from time to time.
Now, don’t get me wrong, some assholes really are out there just to hurt and cause terror and pain. I know plenty.
But, I’ve also learned enough now to not let them be the reason I can’t relate or have quality friendships or relationships.
They don’t deserve to have the long term control over who gets access to our hearts and minds. So do yourself a favour, and learn to drop the independence and allow the trust to flourish again. Build the skills and intuition to know who is good and devote time and energy to them.
Trust and interdependence is a flow, it goes both ways.
I hope you find the earth angel that allows your trust to bloom once again.
Shanna, x
P.S., If you feel you’d like a little support navigating anything that was mentioned in this blog, feel free to reach out for a free consultation to see if I’m the coach for you. This could be one small win!
