This is why you’re…
Agitated, Angry, Overwhelmed, On the verge of a wobbler. Perhaps you have already exploded and your wobble is now reduced to a shamed, tired and blubbery cry as you ruminate over your reactions and wonder how it all went so pear shaped.
Every fibre of your being is being pulled between losing it altogether or begging for forgiveness as you’ve lost it for the 476th time this week.
You’re not alone. Although the knowledge you’re in this muddle, this no-(wo)man’s land with pretty much nearly every other woman and mother, it does little to address how we got here and how the hell do we get out and prevent ourselves coming back.
The first thing to acknowledge and accept is that these feelings you’re having are a symptom of a wider issue. They are not part of your personality or character. They are not something that you are just because your parent’s may have been angry people. They are not unavoidable.
And just because they are a symptom of a wider issue, does not mean we have no control or influence over the issues or the symptoms.
A symptom of what then?
Well this is the million dollar question. We are all unique and are going to respond to different situations, people and environments in unique ways. What is familiar though are a number of factors that we perceive and internalise based on past experiences and how you predict the current situation to play out. This sounds very out there but it’ll hopefully make sense if you continue to read on.
I’ll give you an example, say that I am in the workplace and I’m aware that there is extra work to be completed due to a shortage of staff. I already feel agitated and anticipate that the boss will throw additional work my way. I begin to feel the anger rise inside and my head is whirling with ways in which I can push back and refuse to accept the work, or at least try to. I’m thinking that I’m already behind with my workload as it’s heavy enough and this additional pressure is going to push me too far. I’m feel under appreciated and not listened too. They have no idea how difficult this job really is. If they were in my shoes…
You get the idea. At the end of the day, you drive home, furious, ruminating and arrive home to dirty dishes in the sink, children who are crying and unsettled and your partner texts to say they are running late. The feelings you’ve barely contained all day come spilling out, tempers rise, tears flow, no-one is happy, no-one is regulated.
You go to bed and shame yourself and blame work, your boss, your partner, yourself for not being good enough or holding it all together.
But if we go back to the start, you never actually received that additional work. But you anticipated it. Based on past experiences where you may have felt overlooked and overwhelmed, your mind and body began tensing up at the belief you were getting it. You started to explore ways to protect yourself by formulating an argument in your head - one that was not needed after all. But you’re body and mind didn’t settle there, it is still in anticipation and predicting an increased workload and preparing for this reality. Then you get home, you haven’t prepared or regulated yourself following work to walk into children needing you. The heightened version of you that left work is unprepared for the ACTUAL reality and your brain, body and feelings go into overload. You snap.
If we go back to the above example, consider you’re a part of the team and you know there is another woman there carrying the same workload as you, she has a family and partner at home too but she looks as cool as a cucumber, in fact, she even seems nonchalant about the potential for extra work. She probably holds the belief that she can only do what she can do. She probably holds a different reality, that the extra work is not her concern right now and so there is no point fixating on it. She probably practices creating an objective sense of the world as far as she can and therefore separates herself from negative thoughts. She may even practice having a notebook or to-do list to get the streams of thoughts and worries out of her head and onto paper. She probably creates a routine or practice that allows her to wear her work hat at work and her mum hat at home while acknowledging she can’t completely separate the parts of her that make her. She also may not have had the same past experiences as you and so, her reaction may be in proportion to her reality.
So what next?
You want a quick win, I get it.
The first thing I’d recommend is to start calling out your internal narrator for what it is.
A shit stirrer!
Yes, I know, our mind is only trying to protect us from all the things but does it have to get so ‘woe is me’ all the time? A victim mindset only ever keeps you as the victim.
Did that touch a nerve? I bet your internal voice is like “who is she telling me this? bitch!”, but I promise it is meant with the most love and compassion.
The (no such thing as a singular reality) reality is that your mind fixates on one perspective but we can exercise it to consider multiple perspectives. Importantly, if we do choose to exercise this part of ourselves, we do it with compassion, with kindness. And keep in mind, just like when we tend to our physical health, we get ups and downs, the same applies to our mental and emotional health.
Go grab that cup of tea, pen & paper…
Here are three things I recommend you do to practice having a more balanced mindset and mood throughout your day:
I know it is so cliche and compulsively recommended, but starting your day with gratitude, affirmations, prayer or meditation really does set you up for the day. Sometimes we just wake up on the wrong side of bed and either the day has a hold on you or you have a hold on the day. I’d prefer the latter. Even when you don’t feel like, in fact, especially when you don’t feel like it, engage in some routine or exercise that makes you focus on your inner contentment and strength. Create something that you can go back to throughout your day if it does get tough. For example, creating a personal affirmation or reminder. “I am capable of returning to peace throughout my day” is an example. It focusses on the peaceful aspect, on your power and ability. Not on avoiding challenges or pressures. It does not state that you must remain at peace, as we are all human, we must feel our range of emotions but it does serve as a reminder that you can return to a more peaceful state following a instance of unpleasant emotions or high arousal.
Engage in breathwork. Again, it’s easily accessible and can be mindfully practiced anywhere, anytime. Whether you’re in a high stakes meeting or in the car-ride home, engaging in breathwork can alter your nervous system and bring it back down to a resting level. The 4-7-8 technique is an easy one to practice and remember. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 and exhale for 8 seconds, repeat for 6 rounds and take breaks for comfort if necessary. Deep and long is the aim of the game to calm your nervous system. Please make sure you check that breathwork is safe for you to do.
Finally, and this requires a bit more effort. Take time to do a self-assessment. If you are finding yourself in an angry, burnt out, upset cycle regularly, you need to look at the underlying cause. Is your work/life balance out of whack? Are you irreversibly unhappy at work? Is your relationship healthy? How is your physical health? Have you grieved for that loss you’ve suffered? Have you allowed yourself to feel or have you shut it down, boxed it up, locked it in and threw away the key? These wider issues, left unresolved or unexplored can be the very nerve we need to massage in order to gain a better balance in other areas of our lives. Sometimes we can manage this with time and effort independently. Other times, we need support from trusted family or friends. And in some cases, we need professional support through coaching, therapy or medication.
The three tips address our preparation through our morning practices; our in the moment feelings and thoughts through breathwork and our ability to develop our self-awareness and develop our resilience through reflection and self-assessment.
If you’d like to see if coaching is something that could support you, you can reach out to me here to learn more. Or fill in this form if you’d like to get on a consultation call to discuss working together more in depth.
If you leave with anything, leave with knowing that change is possible. That you don’t have to be the reactive person who then shames themselves to sleep at night. Every pause is another step in the right direction to creating a healthier mindset, a more resilient mindset and a happier, calmer home internally and externally.
Shanna, X
